When Estate Plans Fail: Navigating Family Conflict in the Bay Area

If you are an adult child in the San Francisco Bay Area helping an aging parent navigate the complex world of senior living, you know that the logistics—downsizing a lifetime of possessions, preparing a home for sale in a shifting market, or choosing the right care facility—are overwhelming enough. But what happens when the emotional weight of these decisions fractures the family dynamic?

In the latest episode of Simplify Senior Transitions, I sat down with Mika Domingo, the founder and managing attorney of M.S. Domingo Law Group based in Walnut Creek. Mika isn't just an estate planner; she is a probate and trust litigator and a certified mediator who works across 25 counties in California. Her insight is crucial because she sees what happens after the plan falls apart. She works at the messy intersection of law, grief, and family conflict, helping families pick up the pieces when things go wrong.

The Paper Plan vs. Real Life

We often assume that if Mom and Dad have a trust, everything will be smooth sailing. However, as I mentioned in the episode, estate planning doesn't usually fail on paper—it fails in real life. Mika explains that while a trust is a legal tool representing intentions, it cannot resolve decades of underlying family dynamics.

When you are in the thick of selling a senior’s home in Santa Clara or trying to coordinate a move to assisted living in San Mateo, stress levels are high. Mika notes that probate and trust disputes are rarely just about the law; they happen when people are grieving, stressed, or feeling unheard.

It’s Rarely Just About the Money

One of the most profound takeaways from our conversation is that conflict is almost never just about the money. Money is simply the concrete thing people argue about because it's easier than addressing old wounds.

Mika points out that when a parent passes away or loses capacity, the family structure is removed. Suddenly, siblings in their 50s and 60s revert to the roles they played as teenagers. A dispute over the sale of the family home in Alameda or the distribution of assets often masks a deeper cry: “I wasn't seen,” “I wasn't valued,” or “Mom loved you more.”

Warning Signs and The High Cost of Litigation

For families in Solano, Napa, or San Francisco, the cost of litigation can be devastating—both financially and emotionally. Mika warns that once lawyers get involved in litigation, the process becomes impersonal and moves quickly toward deteriorating relationships.

So, how do you know if your family is heading for a cliff? Mika suggests watching for communication breakdowns. If siblings stop picking up the phone and switch to text messages, or if one family member becomes secretive about documents and decisions, these are major red flags.

Practical Steps to Protect Your Family

Whether you are managing emotional stress in Contra Costa or navigating care options in San Francisco, here are a few practical tips Mika shared to keep your family out of court:

Communicate Early: Parents need to explain their intentions while they are alive. If one child is receiving more assets or a specific heirloom, explain why now to prevent resentment later.

Choose the Right Trustee: Do not simply pick the oldest child or the one who lives closest. Being a trustee requires judgment and emotional intelligence. If the wrong person is chosen, it can ignite conflict immediately.

Consider Mediation: If you are already sensing tension, don't wait for a lawsuit. Mediation allows families to control the outcome and, in many cases, save the relationship. It focuses on solving the problem rather than “winning.”

Avoid Unnecessary Conservatorships: While conservatorships are vital for safety in cases of advanced dementia or exploitation, they strip a person of their rights. Mika advises looking for least restrictive alternatives first, such as Powers of Attorney or specific Trust provisions.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

Navigating senior transitions is one of the hardest things you will do, but help is available. Whether you need a real estate expert to manage the sale of a parent’s home or a referral to a legal professional like Mika, we are here to support you.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, let's talk. You can schedule a FREE consultation at
www.simplifyseniortransitions.com

I encourage you to listen to the full episode to hear Mika’s incredible stories and in-depth advice. You can also contact me directly via Instagram @soldbydale.

P.S. Got news or an amazing story to share? Hit us up at dale@simplifyseniortransitions.com and you might be featured in our next episode!

Remember, always check out the transcript for detailed insights. Happy listening!

Watch The Podcast Here